NO to WHOA!!!

I was a late bloomer. I have a loving yet overbearing and strong Asian mother who instilled a lot of beliefs in me. Some of those beliefs have been positive and have made me successful. She taught me to be a compassionate person, to be generous, to be a hard worker, to be resilient, and to be strong. A lot of those beliefs have been damaging, and at the age of 41, I am still trying to overcome and delete these thought patterns.

I never realized how powerful my mother’s voice would be, because until this day, I can still hear her voice in my head. My mother smothered me, taught me to be afraid of boys, and made me believe that I was never going to be good enough. My focus was to get straight A’s and to be an obedient child. Like most Asian parents, my mother was disappointed when I came home with a B, and a C was considered complete failure.

It was all right for me to have girlfriends, but boys were a no-no. She wanted me to focus on my studies and she said, “No boyfriend until after college!”; “School is your number=one priority”; and “Boys are no good.”

Even though she didn’t want me to have any boyfriends, she still would make statements about what a woman should be like to be attractive to a man: “You never talk to boys first or make the first move.” “Your face is pretty, but you are too fat.” “Your laugh is too loud, and no boy will ever like you.” “You wait until marriage before you have the sex!” “Men like when you cook and clean.” “You look more feminine with long hair and a skinny body.”

I was a good girl and didn’t have any boyfriends until after college. I lost my virginity in my early 20s to my first serious boyfriend. My mom always emphasized that having sex would cause all sorts of problems like getting pregnant too young (valid) or wanting it all of the time once I started (wait…what?!!!). I ended up getting married pretty young, to my second boyfriend, at the age of 25. When I met my husband, I was still pretty inexperienced in dating and sex. To be honest, I was too young to know any better. I loved him, but I didn’t know what compatibility meant, and I didn’t know what it meant to be in a healthy relationship.

My sex life with my husband was average. My mom was right that I did want to have it all of the time, but she didn’t mention that it was supposed to be mind-blowing and amazing. We did have sex often, but it lasted 10–30 minutes and I hardly ever orgasmed. I remember my husband being concerned, but at the time, I felt like it was good enough. I thought having an orgasm or coming was a myth and it never really happened in real life. Boy was I wrong!

It was not until after getting divorced ten years later that I discovered how good sex could be. I sowed my oats and made up for lost time! I was fortunate enough to have some great sexual partners, which led to my sexual awakening. Through experimentation and having lots of sex, I learned that my body was capable of extreme pleasure! I was able to go for long periods of time (2–6 hours), I was able to have multiple orgasms (we’re talking double to triple digits), and I experienced female ejaculation (multiple times!).

I went from being this conservative, prudish girl to a sex-loving tiger in the bedroom. I went from saying “No” to “WHOA!!!!” in just a matter of a few years.

My clients often ask me how it’s even possible to have the kind of sex that I have. What I tell them is that it takes being in touch with yourself, and knowing your body and what works for you. It takes having good communication with your partner and expressing what you like, want, and need. It takes being in the present moment with your partner and feeling all of the sensations in your body. It takes surrendering and being able to let go of control. Most importantly, it’s allowing yourself to receive pleasure and to not have any shame or guilt around it.

It is also about having the right partners. Having a partner whom you can trust and where there is reciprocity will make a world of difference. I share my story because I never knew sex could be amazingly wonderful and life-changing. The woman I am today is far different than the girl that I was. My sexual awakening helped me to open up to new possibilities that I never knew existed.

Let this be a lesson that nothing is impossible and there is a whole world out there of things that we never knew we could experience. Be open and know that anything is possible. I guarantee you will have many “No” to “WHOA!!!” moments in your life.