Quiet Desperation to Living in Alignment

Have you ever asked yourself, “Is this it? Is this all there is? If it is, what am I here for?”

A few years ago, these were the questions that were running continuously like a broken record in my head.

At the time, I didn’t have the answers.

I was living life from my ego and not my heart.

Looking in from the outside, I had everything; a beautiful husband with a successful business, two healthy and happy children, a lovely home, money, great family support. I had all this, but still there was so much missing. My life was filled with a diet of bad food, wine, gossip, shallow pleasures and material things. I felt more isolated than ever, despite the fact that I had people around me all the time. It was not until my health started to suffer, my marriage was shaky, and I wasn’t being the role model to my children that I wanted to be, that I started to feel the urge to know myself better. Who was this person called Lisa? What did I stand for? What did I really value? What did I believe about myself and my life’s true purpose? One thing I did know, the only way to find the answers was to search inside those sore wounded places of my heart. I knew my soul lay hidden beneath all the stories I was telling myself about my life and who I am.

I had to start somewhere, so the first thing I addressed was the unhealthy lifestyle. I stopped drinking alcohol, I started to eat healthier food and less of it, was nicer to myself and I started to practice a daily dose of gratitude. I took a good look at the people who were around me; those who were not in alignment with who I am slowly drifted away from my life.

It’s funny because as the external influences in my life started to change, more internal awareness appeared.

I gave myself permission and time to explore me; the good, the bad and the ugly. It was all there, and I allowed myself to be present with whatever came up. I became strong enough to forgive myself.

Childlike wonder filled my thoughts and I enjoyed learning about myself. I was actually quite interesting and funny – not at all the person my negative self-talk had me believe I was.

Daily gratitude set me up every morning to focus on what I did have in my life and it is a practice I continue to this day. I am grateful for the littlest things and I am grateful for the big things: living in a country free from conflict, feeling safe in my home, a smile from a stranger, a cuddle (hug) from a loved one, a bird chirping at my bedroom window on a winter’s morning, the grumpy shop assistant, the electricity bill, the clean drinking water coming from my tap whenever I want it, food in the fridge, anything, everything. I’m grateful for it all!

My purpose was revealing itself to me. Every day in my meditations I would hear my soul saying “Experience Love through service and giving”.

I have embarked on this quest, to experience my purpose, through work with the Red Cross and Helpline for suicidal and despairing people. It is in sharing my compassion, my love, my energy that I am truly being of service. I work to shine a light so that others to see through the fog and the dark moments, to the happy times and all that life serves up.

My purpose continues to be fuelled even further through my work with Positive Women In Motion. I love to share the wonder that is YOU. As women of this world, we are the way of the future. When I started to love myself, there was more of me to give, there was more I wanted to give and continue to give. We have to know we are perfect and whole just the way we are. Don’t wait until you are thinner until you decide to love yourself. Don’t wait until you are smarter until you decide to love yourself. Don’t wait until everything is just right until you decide to love yourself. Love yourself now!

Finding my soul through the fog wasn’t easy. It is a process that is evolving, changing and growing just as I do. I choose to love me now. I don’t have time to wait until everything is perfect, nor do you.

We have come from pure love and we are going back to pure love one day. I plan to make my journey in this life one filled with purpose, passion and inspiration. Live with your heart and soul. One cannot function effortlessly without the other. There will always be roadblocks and detours. We all live with fear and judgement. I have learnt to acknowledge fear, acknowledge rejection, acknowledge the negative internal chatter, and I just don’t let it get in the way of me living my life with purpose.

Lisa McGillivray