What I Remember

I don’t remember when I completely lost myself. I don’t remember when I became a shell of a person. I don’t remember being aware of it. But I do remember everything else.

I remember how handsome he looked on our first date. I remember how charming he was. I remember meeting his friends and family. I remember being so proud to be with him. I remember feeling confident. I remember feeling worthy.

I remember looking forward to every weekend. I remember feeling wanted. I remember dancing. I remember laughing. I remember being happy that I had finally found someone.

I remember the night he thought I looked at his friend the wrong way. I remember him hitting that friend. I remember him calling me a slut. I remember him leaving me downtown to find my own way home. I remember not understanding what I did wrong.

I remember when he wouldn’t kiss me goodnight because he was tired. I remember telling him it hurt my feelings. I remember him making fun of me. I remember being embarrassed that I was so sensitive.

I remember slowly losing touch with friends. I remember us spending less and less time with others. I remember telling myself it just meant he loved me.

I remember the first time he yelled at me and I woke up at my parents’ house. I remember he didn’t call and apologize. I remember when he called me a fat cunt and the time he told me to sleep on the floor because he was the one that paid for the bed. I remember him throwing my purse out the window in anger.

I remember asking him how he would feel if we had a daughter and she was being treated this way by a boy. I remember him saying he wouldn’t care. I remember crying after trips because he was always nicer to me in front of other people.

I remember never feeling good enough. If I could just do better, everything would be better. I remember thinking he was perfect. I remember thinking I was awful. I remember everything being my fault.

I remember being so excited when he finally agreed to go out to meet up with old friends. I remember him circling the bar they were at and not letting me out. I remember begging him to let us go. I remember him telling me we weren’t going anymore because I was being a bitch. I remember promising I wouldn’t be a bitch anymore.

I remember getting a hotel room in the middle of the night because I was scared of him. I remember being called crazy. I remember believing I was crazy. I remember being so anxious around him that I stopped sleeping. I remember trying to clean the whole apartment before he got home. I remember him watching TV while he listened to me cry on the floor. I remember crying in the middle of the night into a towel in the bathroom so I wouldn’t wake him up. I remember threatening suicide just to get his attention. I remember actually considering suicide.

I remember driving drunk after a fight and thinking I wouldn’t care if I crashed. I remember my dad saying it was hard to see me so sad. I remember convincing myself everything was fine. I remember thinking how lucky I was that he was willing to settle for me. I remember thinking no one else would ever want me, anyway.

I remember throwing up the day I found out he was cheating on me.

And I remember the day that I left.