Being a woman in your forties has it’s share of moments. Moments where you question your worth and if you still have what it takes to make it.
Marriage starts out with good intentions and aspirations in the beginning. There comes a time, though, when it can get tumultuous despite all your efforts or lack of them. You spend a lot of time rebuilding things that once seemed unbreakable.
I often think of my own glass castle and all the things I once thought were exempt from breaking apart. I have cried many tears along the way and now look back on them as a time that I was cleansing my soul. Life lessons have taught me that I am no different from any other woman out there with her share of struggles. Having struggles doesn’t mean that I’m weak; it only means that I’m human.
I’m susceptible to the same things that other women before me have endured. The definition of endure is to suffer patiently. Enduring means that I am a warrior. I keep fighting the good fight even if it looks hopeless at first. Eventually, what appears as not worthy of fighting for ends up showing up as a glimmer of hope in the horizon.
I have embraced my imperfections or perceptions of what I thought was not good enough. When I look in the mirror, I like what I see. I’m not that same girl that I once was with her youthful glory. My breasts may not be as perky as they used to be, but they are a symbol of strength as a mother that breastfed. My body is not considered voluptuous and curvy, but it is still beautiful, stretch marks and all.
I will never compete with younger women because they have their own race to run. I am responsible for my own view of what is good enough for me. If it means getting up early and working out at the gym, then I am willing to do it. Not for anyone else like I might have in the past, but for the person I am right now.
I long to be cherished in a way that makes me feel worthy, but I know that my happiness is no longer dependent on it. There are moments when I question it and regress, but I always come back full circle to who I am now. It’s a constant tug of war. I might notice a few more wrinkles or some other flaw that makes me feel unworthy, but those things are superficial. Buying a fix-all product over the beauty counter will lure me in to test out its claim, yet I know better. There isn’t anything that I can buy that will accomplish that. The only thing that can make that work is me.
I want to bring my internal beauty to the outside for me to see. For when I do, it’ll be my biggest gift to myself. To see myself for being confident enough to wear my badges of honor. Each life lesson that I have endured will be worn with pride. I will sparkle like a diamond in the rough with not-so-smooth edges. That promise of brilliance is worth enduring the shattered parts that once were my glass castle. Instead of it being made of only glass, I’ve added a few more pieces of steel for reinforcement.
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