It’s Better To Be Wanted, Than Needed

I heard a great concept the other day, that it is better to be wanted, than needed, in relationships. Full disclosure, I go to church, believe in God and love reading the bible. This post has nothing to do with that (for those of you who are anti-any of that, so don’t worry) but the concept I want to talk about actually comes from a sermon I heard but it is a universal, and very eye-opening, truth.

In the sermon, the pastor was talking about how God doesn’t need us (because he is God, duh!) but that he chose us because he loves us, and essentially wants us. I was really struck by that thought, because it gave me a whole new perspective on how I see day to day relationships. I don’tean with family members, as we are born into that ready-made, connected-by-blood-forever relationship.

I’m talking about the relationships you choose to be in. With your life partner, your husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend and hey even business partner.

When I look back at a previous relationship, that was very destructive, unhealthy and in many ways abusive, I remember something my ex said to me at the teary end of a long argument “please don’t leave me, I need you.” I didn’t doubt for a second that he did, because he had not yet faced up to his own identity and change unhealthy patterns in his life. His only way of coping was to depend on others around him (me) while he swept his own problems under the rug.

Being in a relationship where you need and depend on someone is always going to be a recipe for disaster in the long run. You get to a point where you can’t function without them, and you don’t know true happiness and fulfillment without your significant other.

Being in a relationship is supposed to be an enriching, growing experience where you learn selflessness in new ways, and learn love in new ways.

I know I would much rather be wanted than needed. I would much rather choose to be with someone because they compliment my life, rather than fill a void that needs to be healed in other ways.

At the same time, we should be able to get to a point in our life where we don’t necessarily need a relationship. If you need a partner to help you pay bills, buy food, find a job, be happy, meet friends and stay sane, then you are definitely searching for the wrong thing. I know that may sound harsh, but a relationship is not a magical fixer of things in life.

Relationships are damn hard and it is only when you are in a place of peace, wholeness, satisfaction and self-suffiency that you have the capability of taking one on.

I’m sure you have heard it said before that the girl or guy who is completely happy, content and fulfilled in their lives are more likely to attract a partner. Well I suggest that is true because deep down, while we as humans are genetically intelligently designed to have companions, it is for complimentary reasons, not for desperate measures.

Men and women are different for good reason, because we can compliment each other, in a working or personal relationship.

I challenge you today to look at all your relationships in a new way. Are these people in your life because you chose them and want them to enrich and enhance your life? Or are you unable to function without them?

I know not everyone will agree with me, and I don’t judge anyone for their situation. All I want to do is offer a different perspective and hope it will enlighten you somehow.

Coming from someone who is the beneficiary of a chosen relationship, I can honestly say for the first time in my adult life, I am happy. I am productive, I am a better friend, I can look after myself, and I know how to prioritize better.

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About the Author | Asha Dahya

Asha is a TV host and blogger. Indian by ethnicity, born in the UK, raised in Australia and now residing in Hollywood, Asha is a true millennial woman. She has hosted shows for Fox, MTV, MSN, Disney, Nickelodeon, TV Guide, and MySpace, and has worked behind the scenes on five seasons of “America’s Next Top Model.” Her most recent venture is the creating and overseeing the women’s empowerment news media site

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8 comments to "It’s Better To Be Wanted, Than Needed"

  • Josephine Ludwig

    Do you have any recommendations for further reading / resources /helps to making this transition “stick” in your life? I “know” this is spot on. I am transitioning from being NEEDED in relationships to being WANTED in relationships. It feels strange and new and I would like some more guidance and mentoring or resource that helps me make this change permanent.
    Thank you so much

  • Todd Hall

    Thank you, that was the very thing I needed to hear right now in my life.

  • Kevin Ryan Duncil

    Asha Dahya, while I fully understand and appreciate your perspective on this subject, I would propose an alternative viewpoint.

    The concept of being wanted rather than needed, is fundamentally flawed by the fickle nature of wants and desires, in that, they very often change as rapidly as our moods.

    Needs are those things essential, those things which either make our life possible, or enhance it distinctly, and these very often evolve as we grow, but stay with us throughout our lives, while wants and desires change, very often, on a day to day basis.

    As you spoke of people enriching and enhancing each others’ lives, these things are essentials, more than simple desires, in that, if something that enriches and enhances your life, is suddenly taken away, then that enrichment/enhancement, is also gone, leaving a void.

    That being said, I feel that it is far better to seek out someone who needs us, equally as much, as we need them, and to then, appreciate and nurture this as a partnership, in that, we take on partners in business for what can become of the joining of companies, ideas, or people, over and above what they are as individuals, and I can assure you, partnerships that are based on wants and desires, are very seldom successful.

  • Spencer

    So very true. Thank you!

  • Lis

    So true. To be needed is to have an expiration date and once you’ve helped sort out someone else’s problem they flutter off like a butterfly. People like this are never around when it’s you that wants the support from them.
    To want something or someone you have a desire in the long term meaning you are wanting them to be part of your life. If people around you you only see when they’ve got a problem then get rid as you’re wasting your time investing in them (you’re always seen as a giver and they are the taker).
    I’d sooner have people that want me than need me as they have made a commitment to be with me in the long term and the trust you have is so much deeper.

  • L

    I think this is a brilliant post! Thank you for sharing your story. A chosen relationship does sound nice, and your advice on being in at least on the road to wholeness and self fulfilment to get love was interesting too.

  • Julia

    Need for a relationship seems so desperate. I would much rather want.