Hidden, Part 2

Read the first part of Tina’s story here.

At first, my parents were not thrilled. The circumstances in which I fell pregnant were not how they pictured their daughter getting knocked up—and trust me, neither did I!

Even though I had told Bodie I would get an abortion, I changed my mind…and ultimately, my parents supported me. Once I knew I had my parents’ support, I started taking Elevit, a pregnancy supplement, and watched what I was eating. I told Bodie and he was not impressed. He told me he didn’t want a baby, and if I kept it, he wouldn’t want to be in our lives.

I felt my heart break in half for the first time upon hearing these words. Here I was in my most vulnerable state, thinking that he actually cared about me—but the truth is, he never cared. It was unrequited love all along. The messages started to get worse and worse, and then I started to doubt my decision again. I started to think about what my child might ask me about their father when they got older and what I would say to them.

As positive as I tried to be, the negative thoughts started to eat at me. How was this actually going to pan out? I was about to bring a child into the world, and he or she would never have a father. Is that really how I imagined it? No. This is not how I pictured my life.

I started to get depressed and realized I was fighting with myself internally about what I wanted. The following week, I went back to the doctor for my first scan. My doctor asked me what I was going to do. After being alone for a few days and considering all the facts and the current circumstances, I finally decided to go through with the abortion, as difficult as it was going to be. I made my mind up. It was final. I booked the abortion, and that was that.

The day came around for the abortion, and I was ready. I wanted to go by myself and have no one with me because I wanted it to be this way. For me, this wasn’t about having support. That morning, I woke up at 6 a.m. and had to be at the private hospital before my operation at 7.45 a.m. I remember going into the theatre, where the nurses started prepping me. I had never seen so many people in one room before. I remember thinking, OMG, all of these people are going to see my vagina!

So many emotions were running through my head at this point. I lay down on the operation table and looked up to the ceiling. Everyone around me started getting ready; the anesthetist was by my head and put all these wires on my chest, while the nurses started prepping the surgeons. One of the nurses told me to make a fist and count down from 20, while the surgeon lifted my legs and began an internal scan through my vagina before placing my legs down. He put the scan of my womb on the screen so he could see the exact position.

He told me, “When you wake up, you’ll be in your room and this will all be over.” I looked up to the ceiling again. I noticed there was a little window and I could see the sky. I kept thinking to myself, What if I get up and run away? Before I knew it, I was out like a light.

I woke up at noon and it was all over. I wasn’t pregnant anymore. That night when I got home, I went into the bathroom and ran a hot shower. I thought the hot water would wash away all my sins. I got in and held on to the taps while kneeling down on the floor with my head down. I couldn’t get back up. I was so weak and tired. I cried on the shower floor for what felt like hours. I never got my period again for the rest of the year.

In the winter, in June 2017, I said my farewells to Sydney and returned home to the Gold Coast of Australia. I needed my family now more than ever. On the surface, I may have been smiling, but inside, I was broken. I was depressed, devastated, and alone.

Over a year has passed now, and I’m still working on myself. I believe the secret to finding true happiness comes from within and from being alone—and I mean completely alone. If you don’t love your girlfriend or boyfriend, then you need to be single. Take the time you need to figure out what it is you really want. The biggest lesson I learned from this experience was discernment. This wasn’t about Bodie or the abortion. This was about me and my choices. The most important thing for women to do is know their worth, live their true values, and remember who they are. Self-love is the purest love we can ever endure.

For the first time in 28 years, I’ve started living my true authentic self. I am no longer hidden.