Broken. Wounded. Healed.
Note from the Editor: While we support all women in claiming their truth, this story contains religious themes that don’t necessarily represent Wf1’s values and beliefs.
For seven years, I was in a marriage that was filled with deception, betrayal, hurt, abuse, and lies. Oh, the joy I felt the day God delivered me and my two small babies from this man! I felt the hand of God wrap around us in a way that flamed my faith into total surrender. I am about to tell you how God intervened when I gave Him complete control of my life. I am here today because of Him. I am who I am today because of Him. I am excited about tomorrow because of Him. I am nothing without Him.
The thing is, I knew that I should have not married this man. God told me not to marry this man. But I chose my path instead of His. The moment I chose my path instead of God’s, I stopped hearing His voice. I stopped feeling His presence.
After my son was born, I thought things would improve, but they didn’t. When my son was six months old, I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. I became a stay-at-home mom after my son was born. When my husband came home from work, he would lock himself in the bedroom, watch TV, and drink. Some days I would come home to find him passed out on the floor drunk. I would pick him up and place him in the shower, clothes and all, and turn on the cold water. He would jump out of the shower swinging and punching at me.
At times, I would be afraid to come home out of the fear that I would find him dead. Several times he would have to go to the ER to have his stomach pumped after I would find him passed out with bottles of narcotics lying beside him, not knowing how many pills he had swallowed. The next day, I would hear the same lines over and over: “I’m sorry. I promise to never drink again.” Each time I heard this, I knew it was a lie.
The control started after we were married. He made me think he was protecting me, and I fell for it. When the drinking became worse, so did the control. I was not allowed to have friends. When my friends would call, he would ask them what they wanted and why they were calling. Eventually, the calls stopped. I became more isolated and alone. The verbal abuse started, and then the physical abuse. I remember once I accidentally stepped on his toe, and he punched me in the stomach.
He made me choose between him and my family. My family disliked him, and he knew it. Each day, I continued to call out to God. Silence. After the long silence, I started to believe the lies of the enemy. I had made a decision to turn from God, so this was what I deserved. But deep down, I still held on to hope. I continued to pray and call out to Him. I promised God if He ever blessed me with children, I would raise them to know Christ.
Even though I felt I had ruined my life, I had to believe God was going to hear my prayers as I prayed daily over my children. I took them to church, I read them all the Bible stories, and I taught them how to pray. Each day I continued to press my way through my madness just so I could get close enough to reach out and touch the garment of Jesus, so I could be made whole again.
One day I was at the sink washing dishes while listening to the radio. After the song ended, I heard, “Do you feel alone? Do you feel unappreciated? Do you feel like you give your all and no one sees you? Well, I just want to encourage you to keep doing what you are doing because God sees you.”
I was washing dishes for the third time that day (we didn’t have a dishwasher) as my kids were playing together on the floor nearby. I was so tired, so lonely, and so desperate. I asked God, “Do you see me?”
Suddenly, I felt this little hand on my leg. I looked down, and it was my son. He was about 14 months old at the time, and he was looking up at me with the sweetest smile on his face. His eyes were filled with a peace that I had never seen before. We became frozen in this moment as I stared into his eyes and he continued to smile up at me. I felt the Holy Spirit fill my body with a peace that can only come from God Himself. I then heard God say, “I see you.”
As the peace of God’s presence flowed through me, I quickly realized that I was looking into the face of God! He was looking up at me through the face of my child. After what seemed like a few minutes, my son snapped out of his trance and went back to being his crazy little self. Finally, I felt the presence of my Almighty Heavenly Father, whom I had longed to hear from for so long! It was at that moment as I pressed my way through my madness, just to get close enough to reach out and touch the garment of Jesus, that He reached down and touched me. He made me whole again. I praised Him in that moment and asked for forgiveness.
I explained how ashamed I was about the decisions I had made. I told Him that I was never again choosing my way. From now on, it was going to be His way. God placed a verse in my heart that day: “Be still and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10a, NKJV).
That is exactly what I did. I watched Him work out every single detail of my life after that day. Every. Single. Detail. Two years later, God delivered me and my kids from this man. Ten years later, I am sharing my story with other survivors and allowing God to use His story to reveal His power. He carried me through my darkest hour and has brought me to where I am today.