My Hard Truth

Mothers always want their daughters to know that they are to be valued, respected, and treated right. At least that is what my mom always wanted for me. At the beginning of high school, we had that disconnect, and her wants for me were not what I saw as needs for myself. If a boy wanted to get with me, he would. If a boy wanted to get with me on his time, then leave after, he would. Why were my mom’s lessons not getting engraved in my head, as I always have believed she is the best role model a daughter could have?

After moving back to Washington from California my freshman year of high school, I felt like a new girl. I had learned to care about what people thought of me, and solely lived to party. My relationship with my mom and dad spiraled downwards, as my relationship with alcohol and boys were of prime importance in my life. My mom would cry to me as she would get calls about what I did the past weekend. I never thought it was bad. I didn’t love myself, but I knew the attention from whichever boy it was that week would fill the void. Or at least I thought it would.

My junior year, I got my first boyfriend. As loving as my mom is, she did not approve of this boyfriend. At that time, I thought all my friends and family were wrong, and I knew him better than they did. I thought he was the only thing good for me. My friends would ask me where the “old me” went, as I became a girl who did not know myself anymore, and completely changed my life so that it was solely him and me. My mom would watch him manipulate me every day, and try to do something about it. I would fight with him every week, and cry over him almost daily. I had no more relationships with my friends, and I neglected my parents as much as I possibly could. I would have thoughts about the way I was being treated, but I would bury them with other things. I needed a slap in the face, and I needed to accept the truth.

One day, it hit me. I was so depressed and unhappy with the life I was living, and I had been since high school started. I needed to change my life around.

After my boyfriend left for college, it was my time to focus on ME. I broke it off with him and started my journey to improve my mental health. I started by seeing a psychologist, and got diagnosed with panic disorder and depression. Panic disorder was something that really took over my life, and having the diagnoses helped me realize I can do things to alleviate it. I fixed my relationships with my friends, but more importantly, I fixed my relationship with my parents. I can now happily say that my mom and dad are my best friends.

I see some of my friends in abusive relationships, and my heart hurts for them. It is not that they realize they are in an abusive relationship, because they don’t. That is the saddest part. I see my friends struggling with anxiety or depression, and are too prideful to get help. I want to help them realize that mental health is messy, but it is normal. Everybody has their struggles, and realizing mine was the greatest beginning to my new life. I still have days when I am depressed, and I still have days where I miss my ex boyfriend. But knowing that the life I am living now is healthier, and will give me more happiness in the long run, keeps me moving. Acknowledging the truth about the sad life I was living was so hard, but I believe that without that, I would still be in a manipulative relationship, and would have no desire to get out of bed each morning.