My Secret

It has been almost 6 years since I terminated my first baby. I was not too young to have a baby. But I was asked to do it and I did. Of course, I thought, thought and thought. I went to the hospital but emotionally I was not right. I left, but had to go back again and I did. I had a choice to keep my baby, but I didn’t. I believed and told my baby – it is my fault. I’m sorry but I can’t have you this time. Your dad has his own family and said he didn’t want you. I am so sorry. I am so bad. Next time, I will have you and it will be a happy situation. Now, I again cry. I had in my mind somewhere this might be the first and last baby in this my life? I have no man and no children yet. Should I have kept my baby?! Even though I was told you would destroy his life? I know it was not only protecting his situation but I escaped the situation to keep my baby too. I have grown up by myself. Speaking about my situation, I definitely was not ready. I didn’t want to be in my country but no other country’s residency was stable. Now, yes – I have found the place I want to live forever apart from my home country. I don’t know. I don’t know why “now” I kind of feel regret? Or what? I definitely want a baby with a happy situation and no opposition at all. But when I can?!?!?