My Unspoken Truth

On the eve of my 29th birthday, I lay on my side, curled up and holding my hands to my face, my fingertips pressing on my eye balls so hard that I could feel the hole that held them in place. I was trying to prevent my eyes from doing what my heart was telling them to do so many times before. I could feel the tears seeping between my fingers and hear my inner self talking to my mind that knew all answers that my heart refused to hear and believe.

I had let you do to me, because I had allowed you to. I had laid on my back and let you in with the hope that you would feel my warmth and moistness that were connected straight to my heartbeat. As I gasped for air my eyes opened to the thrusting of your manhood, and my eyes opened to see your face as I clenched myself to hold onto you—hold onto some sense of respect and integrity that was long gone.

I looked into your eyes to reflect the power you held over me. The intensity of it all was evident in the nail marks I left on your back. It was all to prove to you that you held my heart. It provided me with what my heart was telling my mind, and what my mind wanted to hear from you.

I wanted to hear you say it all! I stopped to listen to the unspoken words and never heard them, because I was lying alone on that eve. As I wiped off the tears and put my hands in between my legs as I so many times did, I realized I was exactly what you were treating me as: nothing. I was getting my worth from what I was portraying to you—that I was nobody and my body was yours.

My truth lay in my heart, and I had to reconnect with my inner self to make sense of my own mind and what I truly wanted to hear and believe about myself.

Three years into a journey of self-discovery, I was still working with failing formulas and a couple of books read, written by either women who didn’t know my journey, or by men for women, trying to explain how I still felt I was going half-crazy with so much noise surrounding me.

The thing is, I was the only one who felt and knew who I was. No book could take me through my journey and self-contentment. I needed myself to work. With all of that, so many influences, culture, society, religion depicted how and who I should be or have been. At the end of the day, I just needed to be me.

I was romantic, a passionate lover, peace-loving, compassionate, and considerate, and lived to love! My life path mission was to achieve balance between giving and receiving. Sympathetic and caring, I was a born counselor, and my life traits, sense of beauty, love of life, simplicity, intelligence, grounded, ambitious, tenacious, loyal, energetic, warm heartedness symbolized the principles of nurturing and harmony. I was the teacher, the trainer and a parent. I loved any job where I could make life more comfortable, easy and luxurious for others.

And I should also mention blessed, since God smiled down on me naturally, and I could become totally amazing if you knew just how to let go—let go of assumptions about who I was supposed to be and how to live my life. Had made a lot of mistakes and learned a lot of lessons, and I don’t regret one of them. I am who I am because of some choices that made sense to me at the time. Maybe be less emotional and “dramatic” than a few loved ones describe me. In my opinion, I was just an emotional being and I spoke and did everything from my heart.

Love played an important role in my life, and I engaged myself with fervor, wisdom, and gratitude. I did a lot to deserve my happiness, and I hoped that my significant other was willing to pay me back in kind. I wanted to see desire and passion in the face of my loved one, and I wanted to be the only person to benefit. But I needed to be careful not to let my sense of possession gain the upper hand, and my passion turn into destructive jealousy. Jealousy would destroy what my destiny wanted me to build.

Here is some important advice that helped me: persevere in your intimacy; don’t let just anyone into your private life. Never discuss your problems with anyone you don’t completely trust, and make sure the people around you leave you in peace as far as affairs of the heart are concerned, since they concern only you. And lastly do not impose your expectation on someone else

I had enough personality and magnetism to do without any superior authority. All I needed was faith in myself, in my ideas and my initiatives. Hold my head high and persevere, and I would move forward without problems, even in the most delicate or hazardous of times.

Last but not least my faith that rounded and grounded me. I would pray and speak to God in rewriting my life and thinking to myself this could not just be it for my life.

“Since the first day that you set your mind to gain understand and to humble yourself before your God, your words were heard” (Daniel 10:12), so I just needed to trust in His perfect timing.

I prayed for wisdom and knowledge, for Him to break and mould me for His glory only and open my mind to so much possibility and life in abundance. I made the decision to give my life to Him and follow Him for all the days of my life. And to have respect not only for myself but for everyone and everything around me.   

Journey with me. I was searching, at a turning point in my life, and was finally ready to make that shift. I had this nagging feeling deep down inside that there was something for me and I could not ignore the feeling anymore. I knew in my heart that I was destined for something much greater.

Well this is a movement for women of a greater potential, searching for their destiny. The truth is, everything we need to reach our fullest expression is already within us. We are who we are the day we are born.

Let’s start our journey by pursuing our destiny. Share your passion, success, love, joy, pursue your dream and step into your power. Manifest your deepest desires, remember who you are. There is no question as to whether you were called to greatness, the question is if you are ready or not to answer that call.

All you have to do is take the first step and have faith that it is better on the other side.

So this journey is about us, for us. Just going back to the basics.

To rewrite our truth about women by women for everyone, it has never been the same script.

Finding that magic, where life was simple and love was wonderful. I wanted to find those people that believed in all the possibilities.  So life has happened to all of us, have lost a few things along the way.

Beauty is more than skin deep. Remember you will always be the most beautiful and blessed women you know. Find assurance in that your truth remains the same and your love doesn’t change, you have everything.
If you don’t know me by now, you will never know me!

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About the Author | Tumi Flusk

Tumi is a branding and lifestyle specialist and a professional speaker.

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1 comment to "My Unspoken Truth"

  • Angela Kinder

    Beautiful! A few years ago, I was emotionally abused, used, and abandoned without any explanation by someone I thought loved me. I felt like I was never good enough for anything but. I’m still fighting to put the broken pieces together and am afraid of feeling something for someone because I still hold broken shards in my hand. It’s taking me a while, but I know that I will eventually be able to say, “I am enough for me. And that’s all that matters.”.