No Endings, Only Beginnings
I was studying my third college program, experiencing anxiety, sadness, depression and…”empty.”
Empty was the only way I could describe it. The school’s counselor “diagnosed” what I was feeling as loneliness. That she gave this empty feeling a name was the only help she gave me. She had me going in circles with everything else. The day I left her office, I decided that not all counselors are good counselors. And just because they have a degree, doesn’t mean they’re doing a good job.
I never went back.
What I learned on my own – without the assistance of a counselor – was that I was using school to build a social life in hopes that it would make me feel whole, because I didn’t have anyone else in my life. I noticed when I didn’t receive what I’d been hoping for from other students I’d met, that I would go home feeling like crap.
Shortly after, I dropped out due to not having the finances to pay for the rest of the year. Although I had no genuine interest in what I was studying, I was devastated. I didn’t know what I was going to do. I was afraid that I was going to be a product of my environment, or become another statistic, or even worse: end up being a cashier for the rest of my life, because that’s all I knew.
After a couple weeks of mourning over the decision to drop out, I started to slip deeper into my depression.
I didn’t have much of a support system in my life. The few individuals I did know, didn’t make much of an effort to help. They might have wanted to hear my story but they didn’t offer to help. They showed no real genuine concern.
At this point, I had given up on myself. But worst of all, I thought God had given up on me. I truly thought this was the end.
One day something said to me that I had to do something to get me out of this despondent state. Two months had passed and I had not been maintaining my usual workout routine. Something said I needed to get back into yoga.
I mustered up all the strength I had to get up out of bed (it was literally strenuous). I popped in my favorite yoga DVD from my collection and I did the twenty-minute session.
Right after the last pose of the seated meditating position with the back of my palms resting on my knees, I suddenly felt a refreshing feeling in the form of a sense of peace. It was like someone opened the window to my soul for me, and the sun came out of its hiding place. I felt this creative energy surging through me. I felt like a little bit of my true self again.
Weeks passed and I started to enjoy the little things again, such as my favorite food and snacks, nature and reading – oh, how I’d missed reading.
After finding my appetite for reading again, I came across an open dialogue on Twitter about what students had to endure after college. And someone said something so simple, yet so meaningful. She said, “There is life after college.” That was literally the hammer that made a crack in the rock I had somehow been cemented in
I thought: how could I have not thought of something like that myself? But I was grateful that I came across it anyway. I took that one simple line everywhere I went. I meditated on it. I prayed on it.
The more I dwelled on it, the more I started to be relieved of my emotional burdens. The more I prayed on it, the more I developed a relationship with God. The more I developed a relationship with God, the more He spoke to me.
Feeling reformed from this awful spell, I started jotting down goals, new ideas and dreams.
I started to focus on my overall well-being. I was doing everything to stay away from all that was negative and caused stress. I noticed the more I dwelled on the bad, the more sick and depressed I got. Thus I made sure to do the exact opposite.
I also learned how to be by myself and enjoy the stillness of my own presence. I learned to make myself happy first without the assistance of others or expecting someone else to make me happy. I learned to not make homes out of people. It’s not anyone’s job to do the things we should be doing ourselves.
I learned what a real friend is, what to dismiss and not allow in my life. But most importantly, I forgot how much a conversation with God is the most important conversation of the day. And just because He is silent, doesn’t mean He has given up on us. He is actually waiting on you.
This is my ultimate testimony and life lesson. I can say that God pulled me out of the pit where I fell and felt I was down to nothing. I was renewed. I was born again. He said this wasn’t the end and there was a plan for me all along. He showed and proved there is no end. Only beginnings.
Presently, I’m in a better place spiritually and mentally. I have been for the past year. I am working on all of my goals I have set out for myself. I somehow lost sight of my original dreams, but they’ve returned. They never really did go anywhere. They returned once I found myself: my true, authentic self.