Could it be hormones? I asked myself as I realized that I was angry with my kids, angry with my life and everything around me. I felt sad, empty, and lost.
My youngest son was crying over every little thing. The older one was shouting and jumping everywhere, and the nanny I paid to help me handle situations like this was making it worse – and I felt just tired. I felt I just didn’t like everything around me at that moment, but at the same time, I loved everything around me. Is that possible?
That was me some months back. I use to get all upset with myself, with my family, the kids. I was just so tired, and I felt my life has been taken over. Was this the deal? Was this what I hoped for?
But then, out of the blue (maybe I got tired of being sad, angry, or maybe I have been learning without my knowing – I really don’t know), after so many years of pain, I started to grasp and understand the meaning of “like” and of “love,” and I understood the difference between them.
I came to appreciate the fact that it’s okay to not like something at a particular moment in time, but to still love it. I came to know that, if I can just be in the moment and accept what I am feeling, that if I can just let go and swim in that ocean of not knowing but accepting, if I can just let the tide swallow me, then it will be okay.
I learned to appreciate and accept the idea of not liking something, but still loving it wholeheartedly. This acceptance started my journey of learning to like and love at the same time; to unite these two unique words; to accept, to like, and to love all at once. And to me, this is unconditional love.
There are moments when I find myself in the verge of shouting Why? or What the f*ck? Moments when my beautiful house looks and feels like a witch’s lair, days when I can’t remember if it is Monday or Thursday. Moments when I can’t even remember my own thoughts. I have learned to accept what I am feeling, to fully immerse myself in the moment and to not struggle with it or to fight with my feelings. And thus I have learned to love and like – because that is unconditional love.
I have learned to love my family with all my heart, knowing I will go to any length for them. I love the utter dysfunction of the house sometimes. I love the lovely quiet moments, the happy loving moments, the screaming happy or sad faces, but sometimes I don’t like it. Sometimes I need to just step away, take a breath, just calm myself down before it all comes back and I accept the moment and breath it in and out. And then I remember how unconditionally I love everything about all the things I don’t like.
I read something a while ago that has stayed in my mind. The writer asked, “How many of you really like your children, your family, and your spouses? Not love, but like?” It’s a question that has resonated within me and made me to really think about my relationships with my family and myself.
We live in a world that is so demanding. We have so many tasks to do, work, family responsibilities, lifestyles, and so much more. Sometimes the demands can take a toll on us and, without us making a conscious decision, we stop liking. We just stop. We love, but we don’t like because we are so tired, stressed, and so overwhelmed
Those moments of utter dysfunction and craziness are blessings to cherish and moments that will never return – moments stolen by time. What more can we do but to try to embrace them all. We have to try not to attach any illusions to them; rather, accept them fully and delve into them with all of our hearts.
Don’t get me wrong. I still can easily get carried away and forget myself at times. I find myself defining moments as difficult, or wishing they were not happening, or hoping for something easier or more controllable. But then, I am thankful that there is always that hitch of love tugging on my soul and reminding me that this is the moment. There is no other moment like it, so enjoy it and fully engage in it.
Every day, I get a little bit closer to fully learning to like and love my kids and my husband, and to like and love my family. And utmost on the list is to like and love myself, for that trickles down the road to the other likes and loves. It’s my journey to cherish.
I have made an agreement with myself that every moment of my life must be cherished and lived; every moment must be lived consciously; and every moment must be accepted along this journey. That agreement is my ticket to learning the lessons life offers me every second, and it is my guide to who I am as I take this beautiful journey of discovery, of amazing love, and of different colors in every moment.
I say to myself as I look upon those dear to me:
For the very first time I met you,
I knew there would be moments of sadness and moments that I did not like you,
Moments of anger, moments of pain and sorrow.
Moments of love, and moments that I would hold dear to my heart
and cherish on the journey we are taking together.
From the moment each of you was placed in my hands
and I looked into your tiny, wide, beautiful faces,
I knew there would be moments of sorrow,
moments that make me forget who I am,
moments of love,
moments when I wouldn’t like you.
Moments that felt like forever.
Moments of anger,
of raising my voice louder than usual,
and moments of pain.
But I also know there would be irreplaceable moments;
moments of great joy and satisfaction,
moments that would fill my heart with love and happiness,
and moments that would gladden my heart forever.
I knew there will be moments of tears,
tears of joy, sadness, and also utter happiness.
From the first time I saw you,
I knew moments would come,
but I was not scared.
For I knew the moments would pass as the seasons pass
and only the memory of great, unconditional love would remain
as we all fly into the world.
Those moments are footprints in my heart,
and in your hearts,
and I knew that those footprints would be the angels that guide us all
through the beautiful journeys of our lives.