Beyond the Mirage of Want, A Stunning Future Awaits

On October 24, 2015, I turned 50 and out of 195 countries and 7,700,000,000 people, I found myself single.

Twenty-five years of marriage had ended in divorce. My ex was the only person I had dated. Yes, that’s right—I had only dated, kissed, held hands, etc., with one person.

Insecurity had driven me to hold on to an unhealthy relationship. In 2004 I started a weight loss journey, and within a couple years, I had gone from 358 lbs, to 170 lbs. In losing the weight, I began to find my voice. I had no idea it would change me, but it did. My ex did not like the change and would say, “I want the fat you back.” I always thought that fat was why people rejected me, and this reversal was disheartening. In 2012, we divorced. Three years passed. I didn’t date or even consider it.

As a child, my mom told me not to talk to strangers. I was convinced from what she had conveyed that axe-murdering men were out there waiting for women.

At 50, I decided to test the waters.

I was terrified. I wanted to date. I wanted to feel loved. I naively took the advice of a friend who said I should go on Tinder because I could just chat and get used to talking to men without having to go on a date.

I made my profile. The game began. Swipe left, swipe right.

I had met my ex in church. This was a whole different world. Looking at their pictures and profiles online confirmed my fear. There was a learning curve, too. Did you know that a hookup is not the same as a meetup? It was a good thing I looked this up!

I found courage and swiped right. To my amazement, matches happened. A week later, I was asked out. Pause!!! Remember, I never dated in high school and I had only dated the person I married. I got a little excited and forgot I was just going to chat—and I said yes to three dates in one week.

Date 1 – We met at a restaurant. Within ten short minutes, he said, “You seem really relaxed considering I have a chainsaw in my truck.” I looked back at him and said, “Thanks, you seem relaxed considering I have a 9 mm in my purse.” His jaw dropped and he was silent. End of story!

Date 2 – We met at Starbucks, and while it wasn’t terrible, it was not to be repeated. We walked out to the parking lot and he grabbed me and started kissing me. It was like an attack kiss from my Yorkie dog. What the HECK! Speechless. (Oh, the things I thought of to say later!)

Date 3 – This one takes the cake. The evening was OK. The next day, he sent me a text: “Many thanks for such an amazingly powerful experience we had. It rocked my sacred core with awakening vibrations all the way to ecstasy of eroticism and cosmic bliss.” I have no idea what that meant. It didn’t sound like the date I was on!

Three strikes! That ended Tinder. It didn’t end my search. I spent the next three years looking, hoping, and wanting. I went to cuddle parties, a sensual healer, and a Tantra group, wanting so badly to be loved. The girl who grew up obeying all the rules, who didn’t have sex until she was married, now in a thinner body thought that seemed “improved,” thought she could find what she wanted. This was a lie I’d bought into. I was now more empty, depressed, and lonely than ever. I had given myself away and been hurt and treated poorly—and my desperate need to feel loved, accepted, and cherished by a man remained unmet.

I realized there was a gap. As the song says, “You can’t always get what you want, but you find sometimes you get what you need” I needed to take a pause. I needed to love, cherish, and heal the beautiful being and gift that I am.

When the roots within me are strong, I know I am lovable, acceptable, worthy, and ready to safely want another. When they’re not, I choose with blinders on, and the need cannot be met—instead, it grows like a weed. When the need is satisfied, I see clearly, blinders stripped, and I select from a heart of abundance.

Is it easy to wait? No, but it is worth it to avoid the suffering of being shattered by the weight of disappointment and the heartbreak of a blinding want—especially when the reward of a stunningly gorgeous future, with an open heart and new beginnings, awaits. This can happen when I satisfy my needs by anchoring into my own roots.