Return to Me

This is the story of my strange and beautiful life. The story of how I returned to me. I grew up immersed in trauma and abuse that felt inescapable. My life was devoid of all choices.

I looked around and saw that there were worse things than death. Even as a child, spirit gave me the ability to see from the outside looking in, to keep my heart open to save my life—and more importantly, my soul. My life, my journey, has been spirit-led and guided, teaching me to love.

I kept going, even when I wanted to give up. I come from a long line of traumatized and disempowered women, but I saw their beauty, their hidden light, their power and gifts. I chose to become all that they would never allow themselves to be. There was so much to untangle from, to shed, to unbecome. I chose freedom, I chose safety, I chose me—and I moved away, saying goodbye to my biological family.

This is when my true healing began. I couldn’t keep a job. I shut everyone out, I knew something was wrong, and I went for help. I had complex post-traumatic syndrome (CPTSD) and the resulting depression and anxiety. Someone finally asked me, “What happened to you?” instead of “What’s wrong with you?” and I will forever be grateful.

As I healed, I grew more and more empowered. I was able to return to school and graduate. I moved to Seattle, and this is where spirit started to really move in me. I shed old limiting beliefs, thoughts, habits, traumas, and religious teachings that I’d never fit into. My voice started to form, and my identity became my own.

This was such a painful but incredible part of my journey. Every button the universe could push in me, it sure did. I am a healer. I have always been a healer. I started a business doing energetic and physical healing work through Asian bodywork and massage therapy. My soul was craving more expansion, and I found myself in Sedona learning past-life regression therapy, doing soul healing work. Full-circle healing.

I jokingly but truthfully tell people that opening myself to doing soul work put me on the accelerated growth plan. For two years, I encountered various types of abusive people who helped me to learn self-love, boundaries, and self-worth. I now know that I am not a victim—I am a creator and a thriver. I choose to continue to transmute pain into medicine.

One of the hardest battles I had to fight was facing the sexual abuse I endured. I had pushed it far down and repressed my memories. Many who have experienced trauma have memory loss and repression, but somehow, I remembered all of my trauma, with the exception of the sexual abuse. I continued the abuse by ignoring my body, pushing it to limits I should not have, and being completely dissociated from it.

I faced an injury that forced me to my knees, and the memories flooded back. I faced what seemed unfaceable. Throughout my life, I have died and been reborn so many times in my evolution. But this time, I burned to the ground. I could not return as the old me in any way any longer. I gave myself a eulogy, offered forgiveness, and ceremonially said goodbye to my old self, and to my abusers.

I cannot describe how profound it was. I had the courage to change my name to my own, no longer allowing myself to be called by a name that was my abuser’s. I was guided to have professional photos taken. Those photos are my baby photos, and I get to have the childhood I never did.

I live peacefully and joyfully in these bones. This was when I stopped playing small, where I stood in my power and started truly using my voice. This is when I returned to me.