What Are You Hungry For?

What are you hungry for? 

I used to think I had a never-ending hunger for food.  I would eat, and think about food 24/7.

What was wrong with me?

Why couldn’t I fill myself up?

Why was I always hungry?

Back then I was rooted in my own shame.  You know the voice of I am not good enough, skinny enough, smart enough, pretty enough….. 

Rooted in shame, my self-protection strategy was eating to numb myself.

That is why the food never filled me up.  I was numb and could not connect with my body or my emotions.  I was running away and hiding in food.  I created drama about all that was wrong with me and blamed it on my own lack of discipline + worthiness.  It was the ultimate shame storm.

But you see, nothing was wrong with me.  I just did not have a sense of self-awareness and was disconnected with my body + emotions.

Finally, I was tired of the constant self-beatings.  I knew there had to be a better way.

I learned what I was hungry for through lot of experiments + failures.

Then I found out about compassion.  Compassion is the motivator for change.  It’s not denial, or an acceptance to stay stuck.  Compassion has boundaries.  Something I was lacking in my life.

I practiced self-compassion.  Yes that was hard because I was good at being a judger and self-hater.

Judger…then self-compassion.  Judger…then self-compassion.  That became my dance.  As I practiced more, self-compassion it became more familiar and I became more comfortable in this new “neighborhood.”

Being rooted in compassion allowed me to explore what I was really hungry for.  Was it food?  Was it carbs?  Was it chocolate?  Was it french fries?  Was it sugar?  Was it cake?

Nope.

I really hungered for connection + belonging.  I hungered for my own connection with myself.  For the permission to love myself as I am with all my flaws, imperfections and uncertainty right in this moment.

In order to have connection + belonging with myself, I had to practice trusting myself, treating myself with respect, kindness, affection and being honest with me.

This is a daily practice.  And sometimes I practice moment by moment.

I practice by asking myself great questions about what do I need right now?  What am I hungry for food or something else?

I no longer ask myself crappy questions of “what is wrong with me?”  Those would lead to blame and disdain for myself.

I practice by telling my judger self that I thrive best from a place of compassion.  It is my sunshine for growth.  The judger is the storm that comes in and can destroy me.

I practice by learning and allowing myself to be flawed and not be perfect.  I practice by tuning in to all parts of me – my brain, my body and my heart.  When those three are in sync I am living my authenticity.  I am rooted in my best Koren self.  From here I am resilient and can flourish in my life and am no longer hungry.

What are you really hungry for?  I invite you to take a listen to your insides.

Koren Motekaitis