What Are You Hungry For?
What are you hungry for?
I used to think I had a never-ending hunger for food. I would eat, and think about food 24/7.
What was wrong with me?
Why couldn’t I fill myself up?
Why was I always hungry?
Back then I was rooted in my own shame. You know the voice of I am not good enough, skinny enough, smart enough, pretty enough…..
Rooted in shame, my self-protection strategy was eating to numb myself.
That is why the food never filled me up. I was numb and could not connect with my body or my emotions. I was running away and hiding in food. I created drama about all that was wrong with me and blamed it on my own lack of discipline + worthiness. It was the ultimate shame storm.
But you see, nothing was wrong with me. I just did not have a sense of self-awareness and was disconnected with my body + emotions.
Finally, I was tired of the constant self-beatings. I knew there had to be a better way.
I learned what I was hungry for through lot of experiments + failures.
Then I found out about compassion. Compassion is the motivator for change. It’s not denial, or an acceptance to stay stuck. Compassion has boundaries. Something I was lacking in my life.
I practiced self-compassion. Yes that was hard because I was good at being a judger and self-hater.
Judger…then self-compassion. Judger…then self-compassion. That became my dance. As I practiced more, self-compassion it became more familiar and I became more comfortable in this new “neighborhood.”
Being rooted in compassion allowed me to explore what I was really hungry for. Was it food? Was it carbs? Was it chocolate? Was it french fries? Was it sugar? Was it cake?
I really hungered for connection + belonging. I hungered for my own connection with myself. For the permission to love myself as I am with all my flaws, imperfections and uncertainty right in this moment.
In order to have connection + belonging with myself, I had to practice trusting myself, treating myself with respect, kindness, affection and being honest with me.
This is a daily practice. And sometimes I practice moment by moment.
I practice by asking myself great questions about what do I need right now? What am I hungry for food or something else?
I no longer ask myself crappy questions of “what is wrong with me?” Those would lead to blame and disdain for myself.
I practice by telling my judger self that I thrive best from a place of compassion. It is my sunshine for growth. The judger is the storm that comes in and can destroy me.
I practice by learning and allowing myself to be flawed and not be perfect. I practice by tuning in to all parts of me – my brain, my body and my heart. When those three are in sync I am living my authenticity. I am rooted in my best Koren self. From here I am resilient and can flourish in my life and am no longer hungry.
What are you really hungry for? I invite you to take a listen to your insides.