20 Things Every Mom Has Done

I was out and about, you know, “momming,” the other day. Juggling my toddlers while they made a scene, trying to get my errands done, wishing I had a coffee, wishing more that I had a bottle of wine, and keeping all my fingers, toes, and eyes crossed that they would hold off on napping in the car so that they would actually take a nap when we got home. What’s funny is that I like this. I do. I like being a mom, and dealing with my circus and my monkeys. But it can be challenging, to say the least.

As I was standing there in Trader Joe’s going through my list, throwing snacks at my kids, no makeup on, yoga pants, I looked up and saw another mom doing the exact same thing: grabbing a bottle of wine, throwing snacks at her kids, loving it just as much as I do, feeling just as borderline crazy as I was…one of my people.

It’s called motherhood.

So let’s talk about some things we can all relate to, shall we? Things we’ve all done. Let’s just relish all that momming, because it’s so easy to get caught up in your own crap, but really, everyone is doing pretty much the same juggling act you are.

As a mom, you’ve probably:

1. Gone to Target because you needed something. And that something was getting out of the house.

2. Counted your wandering around Target as your workout. Bonus points if you actually started a tracked walk on your FitBit.

3. Let your kids play with a toy in the store that you had no intention of buying.

4. Opened a package of snacks in the store before buying it. Then had to awkwardly hand an empty bag of crackers to the cashier and apologize.

5. Told your kid no, automatically, then realized during the tantrum that inevitably ensued that you actually didn’t care. But you can’t say yes now because you already said no and can’t go back on your word, so you’re kicking yourself metaphorically as your toddler actually kicks and screams.

6. Given your kid a snack in the car and immediately regretted that decision because your upholstery will never be the same again.

7. Let your kid eat the remnants of said snack off the floor of the car a few days…weeks?…later.

8. Thought about becoming a day drinker. A heavy one.

9. Started getting ready three hours before a play date, had the diaper bag packed and the kids ready—all you had to do was strap them in the car. One of two things happens: You’re going to be on time and someone poops or has to potty. OR everything goes right and you’re still somehow 30 minutes late.

10. Forgotten something really important about yourself. Things I have, at times, not been able to recall: my own birthday, my middle name, my address, my phone number, my social security number, my email address.

11. Seen a mom in public, and thought “We could totally be BMFs” (best mom friends) but didn’t go over to her and introduce yourself for fear of being that weird chick.

12. Pretended to ignore a dirty diaper because your husband will be home/back in the room any minute now, and it’s his turn.

13. Eaten your kids’ holiday candy.

14. Almost cried, or have cried, in public because your kids are being so overwhelming. Bonus points if you let down and leaked through your shirt the first time it happened. No? Just me?

15. Envied another mother. Pitied another mother. Judged another mother. Felt judged by another mother.

16. Walked around with unidentifiable goop on your shirt/pants/hair and not realized until you got home. Most of us still don’t know what it was.

17. Gone through photos of your kids when they’re in bed and gotten all sappy and lovey, even though you couldn’t wait one more minute to put them to bed not an hour earlier.

18. Gotten alone time—finally—and used it to do something totally lame, like clean or grocery shop. Bonus points if you took alone time to shop and ended up shopping for your kids.

19. Bought ridiculously cute clothes for your kids, only to see them ruined/stained/ripped/otherwise destroyed the first time they wore them. #ThanksPreSchool #WhyDoesPaintExist

20. Questioned the whole gig and why you got into it. Why you’re still doing it. Why would people have kids? You questioned whether you wanted more or could handle more. Then you had more kids, loved them more than you ever thought you could, and ordered your coffee in bulk on Amazon because that’s how you get shit done!

So, fellow moms. Anything to add? Anyone out there escape some of these hard truths? I bow down to you if you’ve avoided the holiday candy. Those Easter chocolates! They get me every time.

*Story originally published on saradear.com.