Crossroads: Becoming More of You

March 2010, at the age of 27, I left my five figures job. This scared my close ones; I was at the cusp of a growing and promising career. I was convinced that my unhappiness was the catalyst behind this move, but there was more to this and it would take me years to understand.

July 2010, I stopped my ten years of heavy allergic treatments and I had no alternative treatment. Still, I went through it, just by believing that I would make it through. A choice geared towards no more stuffing my body with chemicals.

August 2010, I started paying forward by engaging in women’s grassroots empowerment programs, and from then on, began an amazing ongoing journey. I thought I was paying the world back with my gratitude for all that life had bestowed on me.

February 2011, I decided to give a final try to save a then-failing marriage. A choice I made for the sake of years spent together, this is what I believed in the least.

April 2012, when I heard my then-to-be ex-husband say that he could not stop screaming at me, I opted to step out of the relationship and filed for a divorce. I was marching away from that which was not healthy for me.

July 2013, I co-founded a business, for I felt deep within the need to create in a different space.

September 2015, I ended a two-year dating relationship with a wonderful man because I could no more stand being kept hidden. A move from a suffocating phase, yet there was more to all this.

December 2015, I stepped out of the business I co-founded. I felt it was time for my voice to be heard.

January 2016, I started to work in co-creative partnership with others: beautiful bountiful months loaded with love, discovery, and sisterhood.

October 2016, my life is in chaos; a storm has just ravaged everything—not a single life left. Ending relationships, closing partnerships, a heart growing in love and my soul seeking its land.

This is beyond a chronological recap. There is one striking element here; we call it crossroads, a point in life where we come face to face with two or more roads and we have to choose one. In the past, I have paved my way through these crossroads laboriously, and today I am standing in awareness right in the midst of one of the major crossroads that will define and shape my life in coming years.

Shaken ground, confusions, tears, uncertainties, seeking, yearning, faulty eyes, pained heart, unclear mind, need to control…all of these have been and are currently part of my journey. But this time, I am not running away; this time I have opened the doors and invited them in.

Finally, I sat with my own words, and for the first time I heard this whisper from my heart: “Darling, this is about you embracing you a little bit more of you each day.”

And I sobbed for hours; for little did I understood that since 2010, I have been embracing just a little bit of myself. Each time, albeit unconsciously, I had chosen myself: leaving that job, stopping medication, moving out of unhealthy relationships, and connecting with others.

And as I eased my way through these past days, my heart hummed: “A crossroad is a rite of passage where a choice is to be made. Every time an imbalance occurs in self-love, a new crossroad will be activated. It will shake you, wake you, and crack you, because most of the time, human beings are so engrossed in their routines that they fail to notice the initial signs. Doors will appear to which you hold the keys. Doors leading to oneself, Doors leading to others, Doors leading to nowhere. A choice will have to be made. A choice to choose a little bit more of oneself or of others or of nothingness. Fear not, for the more you choose yourself, the rest will fall in place.”

A realization, an awakening, new eyes, and a heart opened a little bit more.

If only this world could teach us that crossroads are simply a rite of passage where a choice is to be made. A choice to choose a little bit more of oneself. Then, maybe we will embrace and enjoy this ride in awe.

By choosing a little bit of me, I am inevitably letting this world see a little bit more of me every second that I get to be here. It does hurt and confuse me, but at the same time, my heart feels love—a love rising from choosing myself more each second. A love that grounds me in a future yet to be seen and a whisper that keeps me going: “Fear not, for the more you choose yourself, the rest will fall in place.”