Afraid?

Yes…I am afraid of everything. I am terrified, actually, of my choices…of making them…of being wrong…of being right…of losing…

Gosh, I hate losing. I always say, “I don’t play if I can’t win,” but in reality, I find myself gambling all the time: in my work, in my choices, my relationships, even in my dressing style. I take uncalculated risks all the time because, really, you never know what it will bring to you. Life is so full of variables that it makes it really tough to put it all into an algorithm.

So when I take these risks, I find myself stressing about half the time and praying to God to bless me and get me to shore safe and strong the other time. I pray that I won’t lose everything I gambled, but then it hits me…

One of Helen Keller’s quotes is, “Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all.” So if you’re not on the edge of something, if you’re not giving it all you’ve got…you are not really living

But God, I get anxious…I stress and I cry, out of sheer desperation. Sometimes, when I think about the outcome, I am really afraid of whether I can or can’t handle it. But in these moments, I know deep down that giving up is never a choice…because giving up means losing much more than I would if I kept. If I gave up, I’d be the kind of person I hate the most: a loser.

In order to find the lost land of happiness, we create fairytales and other wonders. And sometimes, through those risks and adventures, we find happiness.

The best lessons you will learn, and the best time you will have, is during the journey. It’s all about the journey. The journey teaches you more about yourself, how life works, how to be truly happy. And at the end of that journey, you will look back and realize that the best time you spent in your life was when you took the risk, crossed your fingers, and prayed for the best. Despite all those moments of anxiety, fear, and desperation, you were resilient because you learned how tough and strong you really are.

So I implore you: Do not let the fear of the risk cripple you. Don’t lose hope. Don’t stop praying. Most of all, don’t give up. You will end up hating yourself instead of learning about yourself.

I am the queen of stress and have very poor management of it, and I know I will have to work on that—no need to tell me! But at least I can say I am an adventurer.

I am very much alive.