Physical Loss, Spiritual Gain

The screams I hear scare me. What scares me more is that they are real, they are mine.

It is December 15, 2005, and I have just woken up from my first scoliosis surgery. If I had known then that I had four to go and that I would need personal assistance for the rest of my life, I would have shot myself. I only knew what the doctors told me: that I would be back in the university within two weeks.

I was a very active person. I would go to gigs and club and shop until I dropped. This was the turning point. Because the surgery turned my life upside down, I could no longer do what I was used to, even if it would be possible to do a lot of it in a wheelchair. My pain issues over time zapped me of all my energy. I found no joy in shopping anymore. I knew I had to do something, so I started a quest looking for tools to help me get a life worth living.

After the first surgery, there were more surgeries, and it got worse and worse and worse. One day I was surfing the Internet, and a thought came to me: “I should get baptized.”

From the age of eight, I have been a practicing Buddhist. But I also had a close relationship with Christ since I was three.

Strangely enough, all of a sudden I had to be sure I found the “right” church. However, after years of searching, I got baptized in 2011. I was baptized by full immersion, and I don’t regret it for a minute! However, it didn’t turn out to be the solution to all my problems. Something made me lose who I was. I underwent a long bout of anorexia. I ended up trying to be something I was not.

Last year I went through the Spirit Junkie masterclass with Gabrielle Bernstein, and up to that point I had read tons of self-help books and audio programs. The problem is that they will not help unless you take action. The Spirit Junkie masterclass was a huge investment for me, but it rewarded me tenfold. It made me see and understand with my heart how my situation could be used for good. It worked so well because it gives you valuable exercises. Then you can choose to create a practice where you teach these tools or others that might serve a specific client.

To me, the masterclass was the soul wedding I had desperate needed. It was the key that unlocked every self-development program I have ever read and turned them into actionable steps.

Is my pain gone? No. Can I walk? No. Am I a great yoga teacher? Yes. Am I a yoga psychologist in training? Yes. The thing is, you can conquer everything, but it’s not enough to know the simple truth that all is within. When you are down and out, you need the tools that can help you on a quest to know in your bones that what you are seeking, you already have. It might come in the form of a book or a seminar; the only step you need to take is being willing.

When you are in doubt, think of the fact that I lost a lot of my physical abilities because of a surgery, so it’s possible. Anyone can do it.