Why I Almost Gave Up on Life

At one point, I gave up on life. If I think back on it, I feel very guilty for almost putting my inner circle through that ordeal.

I was 26 years old, the mother of two, and living with my boyfriend, who is now my husband. But my life at that time was so stressful. I was living on welfare and  didn’t feel I was able to do anything with my life. I didn’t think I was capable of going back to school or having a meaningful career. My relationship was also at our lowest point. My adopted brother had just given up on life a year before. It was sudden and unexpected, and it led to a lot of friction within my family.

I was not invited to my brother’s funeral, and being adopted made me feel even more worthless. Not knowing where I came from and to whom I belonged made me feel lonely. Because of all the stress, I wasn’t able to be at my best for my kids. It gave me the worst feeling of not being able to break free of the pain that I’d grown up with. People I had at that time hadn’t respected my boundaries, and I wasn’t able to protect myself. I truly thought I was the worst person ever—that everyone, even my children, would be better off without me.

When I had that thought, there wasn’t anything else I could do.

I started to think more and more about ending my life: how and when. I began to justify it for myself. Whenever I found myself in a stressful situation, I asked myself, Why are you fighting? You know it doesn’t matter because you will not be here very soon.

So I just left everything at home, wrote a little note, and walked out of the house. I started walking and walking until I saw the railway station.

I looked for the right spot and sat there for hours, thinking about my life. As each train passed, I told myself, It will be over soon. You can do it.

But then something happened; out of nowhere, I saw an image in my head of my children and how their life would be after I was dead. How they would deal with having a mother who had killed herself. The pain and trauma that could last their whole life.

The pain and stress I was giving them at that time would not even come close to the pain I would give them by ending my life. I had a very rough childhood, and I didn’t want my children to go through the same. I felt so guilty that I stood up and walked home again. It was bittersweet. I felt like a coward for not going through with it. I was even angry with myself.

To make a long story short. I found a way to climb up out of my pain. I got help, kicked toxic people out of my life, dealt with my past, found my family, got married, went to school, and built a damn good career for myself. Most of all, my kids are very proud of their mom; their love is so unconditional that it breaks my heart even thinking about it.

Previously published: https://www.quora.com/Why-do-people-give-up-on-life