Newly married, my husband and I began trying for a baby after the lengthy process and removal of a lost IUD. Who would have thought this was setting the scene for a long and painful journey? I already had a four-year-old from a previous relationship, so I didn’t expect to have any problems conceiving. A year into trying, nothing was happening; it began to put a weight on my shoulders, as each month would come and go without a pregnancy. I began to feel stuck in a cycle and couldn’t find my way out.
But then I felt things begin to shift. I would have vivid dreams of a little baby girl. Her tiny fingers would curl around my pinkie, and her smile was sweeter then a beautiful summer day at the beach. She filled my heart with sunshine and hope, and my soul brightened as these dreams became frequent.
This was when we finally heard the news we had been hoping for and dreaming of. YES! We were finally pregnant. It felt like a comet surged through my entire body. My heart rate increased, and I could feel my heart throbbing with joy.
The next day, I began spotting. Google reassured me that spotting or even bleeding can be normal in pregnancy, but I booked an appointment with my doctor just to be safe.
For the next week, life was a slow-motion blur that began as confusion and ended in despair. Between being a mum and managing a retail store, I was at the doctor every day getting different tests. I was still having dreams of my little sunshine—her gorgeous blonde hair and her bright blue eyes.
My dreams began to seem more real than my life as my HCG levels dropped every two days. I was informed my pregnancy was not viable.
I felt like my body was failing me and my dreams were lying. My pregnancy was no longer, and the bleeding just continued. I was so confused as to why I had no physical pain.
I had experienced a miscarriage before, and it was the most horrific physical pain I had ever felt, like a jagged knife being stabbed into my uterus repeatedly.
What did I learn in this moment?
Each pregnancy is different, and so is each miscarriage. They say in Australia one in four pregnancies don’t make it to full term, and here I was looking at the reality that I was a statistic—again.
Holding onto the thought of a mistake, an error, a miracle even, I didn’t go to the ER or schedule a D&C. I went to work instead.
I loved my job, and I thought the distraction would serve me well. Looking back, I really should have taken at least one day off, but the thought of lying in bed like a depressed emotional wreck didn’t appeal to me.
Getting lost in my own thoughts was scary. My body wasn’t able to do the one thing it’s designed to do. My dreams were not predicting the future like I had hoped, and my ray of sunshine was dying inside of me each time I took a breath.
I was heartbroken, but what was crying about it going to do? I felt so alone, so why would I want to stay home and be alone? If I began to cry, would I be able to stop?
Through multiple miscarriages, absolute devastation, and depression, we decided to take a break. I needed a decent ugly cry.
During that break, I sought professional help, as my mental health was declining. I began to feel strong again and more like myself. I wanted to set the bar higher, and twins were our answer. I knew we could do it. I knew something special was to come despite the despair we had just been through.
Highly driven and motivated, we decided to treat getting pregnant like anything else we sought after in life, so we set goals.
We visited Crystal Castle and hung our pregnancy wish on the wishing tree. We continued our charity work for babies. We threw a coin in and made a wish any time we passed a fountain. We even went on a twin diet to increase our chances of getting pregnant with twins. As a back-up plan, we had started to investigate why I was having such difficulty, and we were prepared to go through the IVF process.
Determined as fuck, we tried our very best through that month.
Then January came, and I had an ultrasound to investigate the issues I was having with my reproductive system. I was hoping to get a quick and easy fix.
My appointment didn’t go that way, though.
I was looking at the screen and saw two sacs. I looked up at the technician and asked if it was what I thought. She was confused since I was booked as an infertility scan. Her supervisor confirmed a twin pregnancy!
We did it! Twin pregnancy was not without its own set of challenges, but that story I’ll save for another time. Our beautiful tiny rainbow twin boys were born on Father’s Day 2017. Now the two boys are a bundle of energy and are known as my little “twinadoes.”