When One Truly Discovers Herself

Growing up, I strived for the best. I grew up in a poverty-stricken township where ambition was not a word in the ordinary person’s vocabulary. Seventy percent of students dropped out before completing high school. My dream was to educate myself, be independent, marry, have kids, have a white picket fence house in the suburbs, travel, and be successful in my career.

By the grace of God, I achieved everything on my bucket list. I traveled a bit, married my high school sweetheart at a young, was blessed with three beautiful children, had a successful career, and enjoyed a decent house in a nice suburb. I was so busy being ambitious and focusing on my goals and ticking items off my bucket list that I failed to recognize the pain I was living with daily.

One day, reality hit 15 years later. l realized that I merely existed by breathing, but I was not really living. I identified my unhappiness, and that’s when it all came tumbling down. My life was in turmoil. I got divorced and stayed in hibernation for two years.

Thereafter, I was the ultimate socialite: going to fancy places with my friends but still searching for the missing link in my life. I didn’t enter any relationships with the opposite sex, as I had a trust issue and despised men.

I read a lot of different novels and philosophical books, and my view on life changed. I am battling to survive. How I managed to get my last born through school is beyond me, and I am thankful to God for never forsaking me but always showering me with his blessings.

Life knocked me hard, but I finally realized what I want in life. I found the missing link. I respect Indian culture so much, especially the families who still follow tradition. If I could do it all over again, I would educate myself—not for career advancement but more for intellectual stimulation. I would marry into a loving family and accept the family as my own. I would move in with my in-laws if that were my husband’s wishes, I would love, honor, and respect my husband—and expect the same in return, because a marriage cannot survive on love alone. It needs respect, trust, and communication.

If he wanted me to be a stay-at-home wife, I would do so without challenging him. I would want the simple things in life: to call my mother in-law Ma and my father in-law Daddy. Yes, I know I was married before, but I never had the privilege of accepting my in-laws as my own. I challenged my ex-husband on everything—and because he wouldn’t show respect to my parents, I didn’t show the same to his parents.

I am missing love in my life. I used to be afraid to love, because I feared not being loved in return. I no longer fear love. I would rather love and hurt then have regret. I want a simple life surrounded by joy, peace, and happiness—not the material things I once longed for.

The girl who once was short of nothing is now living hand to mouth; despite this, and despite some of my regrets, I am truly happy and forever grateful. I got retrenched nine months ago and am battling to find a job, which has taken a toll on me. Strangely, I stay positive through all this. I send out my CV to at least two job ads daily, yet no response. I redid my CV in various formats, as I could not understand why I wasn’t receiving any responses. After all, I am qualified, experienced, and have skill.

Being at home these nine months, I took the time to reflect on myself and search for the missing link I have been seeking for the last 13 years. I have no partner to share my happy, sad, joyous moments with. I have no job, no car, yet I am surrounded by my children—who drive me insane most of the time but also make my life worth living. I wake up every morning thanking God for allowing me another beautiful day. I tell myself that I am worthy, and that I am thankful for the joy my children bring me. I am thankful for all the wonderful people whom God has placed in my life.