What Will Ease My Heart?
The weirdest thing is happening to me.
As I’ve written here, I am becoming more and more able to identify my false tapes as they surge into my head. And to breathe and ease them away.
“You deserve to die!” they scream inside me.
“Breathe, Lisa. It will pass,” I reply.
“You’re a worthless piece of s—t,” they counter. “You deserve to die.”
“Breathe, sweetie,” I remind myself. “Breathe, and it will pass.”
And it does.
I breathe. I look around me. I remind myself—as quickly and as much as I can—that these are false tapes. Lies. Complete mistruths carved into my psyche through my misinterpretation of all that happened to and around me.
My parents split up. Must have been my fault. My mom left us for God. Must have been my fault. I hated that my mom left for God. (Well, I’m assuming that I hated it, because I certainly never let myself feel it.) I am evil and deserve to die. Sexual abuse. I am damaged and deserve to die. I cry when I leave my mom. I am evil and undeserving…and deserve to die. The Messiah banishes me. I am absolutely sinful and deserve all of this…and deserve to die.
My ingrained gut reactions and thoughts aren’t pretty. I now know they’re not true. And I now know that they will pass—through me and out of me—if I just breathe and ease my heart.
So what will ease my heart? What will bring me back to love? I’ve learned to know that and to look for it.
It’s always the sky for me. The trees against the sky. It’s the flowers trying to break through in early spring or the snow piled on the bushes after the storm.
It’s always my kids for me. I know I’ve healed my heart through loving my kids. I know I’ve learned that I am love…and that I am loved…and that I am lovable.
It’s feeling my feet on the floor. My butt in the seat. My fingers on the keyboard. It’s grounding myself in the present and reminding myself of all the beauty and love in my present. It’s breathing deep and feeling inside my heart—for all the love, all the acceptance, all the new truths I’ve absorbed to replace the false truths entrenched in my mind while I was growing up.
There are so many things around me that can ease my heart. There are so many things inside of me that can ease my heart. They’re there for the noticing and focusing and choosing.
And it’s working.
Previously posted: https://www.lisakohnwrites.com
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