Reflections on Joy, Peace, and Confidence

Does the mirror really reflect what we look like, or does it reflect what our ego wants us to see? Does it show me what others see when I look into it, or does it feed me every single insecurity I have? Why can’t I find the quiet confidence I used to have when I worked? What is ego-based? Did I feel better about myself because I received validation from others that my outfits were great, I had nice shoes, I looked so put together, I was in such great shape, I was so funny, kind, smart, etcetera?

Why can’t I find that peace and confidence within? I am still that same person, I am still that same soul, and yet, as I sit here writing this out, I feel none of those things. I feel useless, worthless, ugly, fat, dumb, and invisible. I probably take better care of myself now than I ever did, but I don’t feel good about my accomplishments. Perhaps I need to find a way to be physically active every single day, because when I am physically active, I feel better about myself. It’s like a mood booster. Perhaps I need to make changes to my diet: Are there foods I eat that could be feeding my depressive thoughts? Do I need to completely give up wine and Manhattans to find joy? Is my joy hiding somewhere, waiting for me to be the best version of myself before it comes out and stays, or are these just roadblocks I put up for myself? Like, I can’t be happy and confident until such and such happens?

Not every day is a good day, but there really is good in every day. Maybe it’s time to bring back my gratitude practice and set intentions for each day. Maybe getting in touch with my gratitude will bring me back to a place of inner peace and joy. Maybe getting back into a mindful meditation practice will help me feel like I am whole again. I know in my soul that everything I need to feel love, joy, peace, and confidence is within me, but I need to do the work to access it, to find it and hold it. I won’t say that I’ll start tomorrow because I have today. So I will start now:

I am grateful for being able to care for my family.
I am grateful that my daughter told me she loves me out of the blue this morning.
I am grateful for rainy days that force us to dive deep and see what’s really going on.
I am grateful for fresh fruit.
I am grateful for my strong body (even though it hurts this week).
I am grateful for mornings in bed when my husband pulls me close and nuzzles me.
I am grateful for the unconditional love of my pups.
I am grateful for warm showers.

My intentions for today are:

Listen to my body and care for it the way it needs to be cared for.
Listen to my self-talk, acknowledge the ugly thoughts, and kindly move them along and away, accepting that this is natural.
Be mindful of the energy that I put out into the world.
Remain in a grateful frame of mind.

What will you do today to find your joy, peace, and confidence?